Today is a beautiful spring day. It's crisp and bright; my window is open, and the sunlight is shining through the glass and warming my back. Our neighbours' grandchildren are in their garden, playing and laughing. Sounds of freedom. I am sitting at my desk, working on an essay. As I have been doing almost every day for the past two and a half weeks.
I'm so fed up. All I can think about is essays. I've finished one and started on the second. Yesterday, I decided to skim through the two books I'm writing about and look for useful quotes. I thought it would take a couple of hours, but it took all day and I still didn't finish. At about five o' clock I was still working away, even though my head hurt and my eyes were bleary - I thought I had to be almost finished, but when I looked at the book I was not even halfway through! I got really angry. Then, upstairs, my dad started snoring. I was suddenly infuriated by the fact he got to have a nap while I had been working all day, and it wasn't like I was nearly done because I hadn't even started writing the 5,000 word essay. I was so infuriated that I had this sudden desire to lash out, and so I raked my fingernails down the book I was reading so hard that I left tears in the page... And then I almost snapped my pencil in half and threw it across the room but managed to restrain myself.
I think I've got anger issues!
I'm just so, so fed up and depressed. It's the holidays but I can't enjoy them. I've been arranging to do things with friends, because I need to unwind, but I can't appreciate the things I do because I'm constantly thinking, "I should be doing my essays right now - how am I going to get them all done?" The silly thing is, I know I will get them done. I always do. But I always feel like I need to sacrifice my sanity to do so.
Anyone got any advice? How can I stop being so angry? I don't want to destroy all my books in sudden psychopathic outbursts of rage. In the meantime, it's back to essay number two... I have written about 700 words but as usual they are all absolutely awful! Hm, maybe eating more chocolate will help.
I'm so fed up. All I can think about is essays. I've finished one and started on the second. Yesterday, I decided to skim through the two books I'm writing about and look for useful quotes. I thought it would take a couple of hours, but it took all day and I still didn't finish. At about five o' clock I was still working away, even though my head hurt and my eyes were bleary - I thought I had to be almost finished, but when I looked at the book I was not even halfway through! I got really angry. Then, upstairs, my dad started snoring. I was suddenly infuriated by the fact he got to have a nap while I had been working all day, and it wasn't like I was nearly done because I hadn't even started writing the 5,000 word essay. I was so infuriated that I had this sudden desire to lash out, and so I raked my fingernails down the book I was reading so hard that I left tears in the page... And then I almost snapped my pencil in half and threw it across the room but managed to restrain myself.
I think I've got anger issues!
I'm just so, so fed up and depressed. It's the holidays but I can't enjoy them. I've been arranging to do things with friends, because I need to unwind, but I can't appreciate the things I do because I'm constantly thinking, "I should be doing my essays right now - how am I going to get them all done?" The silly thing is, I know I will get them done. I always do. But I always feel like I need to sacrifice my sanity to do so.
Anyone got any advice? How can I stop being so angry? I don't want to destroy all my books in sudden psychopathic outbursts of rage. In the meantime, it's back to essay number two... I have written about 700 words but as usual they are all absolutely awful! Hm, maybe eating more chocolate will help.
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